Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Been Awhile

It's been awhile and I apologize for my lack of blogging over the past week. As the school year comes to an end, and spring and summer sports start up, things have gotten kind of stressful around here. Changes are in the works...

Volleyball officially ended tonight. Ashley's team came in first place and now we can focus on softball, baseball and all of the endless summer camps and activities that the kids are signed up for. Yea for us.

I've come to the conclusion that things are different now with my mother in law gone and they'll most likely never be the same again. She was such an important part of our lives and it will never feel "normal" again. So many times I've had to stop myself from calling her when I've needed advice, an ear to vent to or to just share a funny story with. Mother's Day was difficult last weekend. It was so obvious that she was missing and the need to feel her presence was so strong that we all gathered at the Mausoleum to spend a few minutes with her. I'm not sure any of us will get use to her being gone.

I've continued to help take care of Bret's Grandma every morning and have come to enjoy the closer bond that I feel I share with her now. She really thrives when all of the kids and grand kids come together for dinner - which we've been doing a few nights a week, thanks to all of the generous friends that are still making meals for us. Can I take a moment to tell you that we had the most practical gift come in during the days right after Sally's death? Toilet paper. Is that not the perfect gift? When you're in shock and grieving, who thinks of toilet paper and whether or not there is enough to accommodate the dozens of people coming and going?

Moving on, I've come to a sort of crossroads where I had to make a very difficult decision. I gave my notice to Chloe's parents and am taking some time off to spend with my kids this summer. In the fall, I'll probably look into some kind of part time job at Ryan's school or maybe one of the other schools in the district, but for now I just really felt like I owed it to my kids to just be their mom. There has been so much going on over the past month and I was starting to get really overwhelmed and stressed out. I just wasn't sure how I was going to handle everything on my plate this summer and something had to change. I'm still not sure I've made the right decision at this point because I'm going to miss her like crazy, but I have to focus on my own family.

My biggest concern is Ryan. He's made considerable gains in school and his grades are back up to satisfactory, but he has a long way to go. I need the freedom to be able to seriously work with him this summer and do whatever I can to help him.

And also? Let's face it. My kids are growing up so fast and I really want to spend the summer with them while they still want to do things with me. I want them to be able to have friends over or go places instead of my always saying no because of small napping children. I want to be a better mom - a mom that hasn't mentally and physically checked out by 4pm.

I can't see the future - nor do I think I would want to - but I hope I've made the right decision.


Anonymous said...

I think you have made the best decision you can for you and your family. Your friends will understand, after all they chose you to babysit because of who you are and how you are with your own kids. This is time you now need for your family.

As you know, I took 10 years off from working to take care of my kids and I wish I could have taken more before having to go back to work. It's a mothers dream to give their kids everything they can to get a good start in life.

Enjoy the time with your kids! It goes by way too fast!

maggie said...

Lynda, you are awesome. I think you are smart to do what feels right to do for you and for your family. It's true that the time you get to spend with them is precious because they do grow up fast.

I also think you are right that things without your mother in law will not ever be the same, but eventually it you will settle into a new kind of normal, and even if you will probably always miss such an incredible woman with whom you were so close, it won't always hurt so bad as it does while it's a huge gaping wound. Time just takes time.

MamaFlo said...

It sounds as though you've given this a good amount of thought and reflection and I'm certain the decision you made is what's best for you (and probably your family). I can tell you that you will always want and can never have back the time when your children are growing up - it doesn't matter how much time you spend with them now, you'll feel it's never been enough.
I applaud you for making this tough decision.

How is the quit coming along?

lynda w said...

The quit is still going strong! I actually had to check my quit meter the other day and was excited to see it well past the 5 month mark!